It'll All Be Clear

It'll All Be Clear

  10:51 AM    Unknown

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'It'll All Be Clear'

Today, August 3, I got a notice on Facebook that it was a year ago exactly that I discovered someone named Payne Lindsey was planning a podcast about the disappearance of Tara Grinstead. It feels like that was many years ago.

Seriously. I thought I had not talked to one of my friends online for 2 or 3 years, but when I sent her a message about my health this week, I noticed that we last spoke 11 months ago.

It's been that kind of year. The longest of my life.

But somehow during this year, I almost never discovered that Payne was also a pop singer.

I was looking through reddit posts about the podcast a few weeks ago when I noticed that someone had posted links to several music videos. Back in 2013 or so, Payne was apparently the front man of a pop/rap group called Right Side of the Tree.

Payne and I have a lot in common besides being best known for covering the same case. We were both Tenderfoots, which is the lowest rank of Boy Scout, which is why his company is called Tenderfoot TV. And before this year, I too was probably best known for a music video, my ode to life in Irwin County, "Irwinvillain."

Upon discovering his videos, I sent Payne a message saying "I didn't mind not being the best journalist between the two of us, but I thought, at least I have the most embarrassing rap video. I was completely wrong."

I really liked one of his songs, though, a simple but effective pop anthem called "My Life is Amazing." After listening to it only once, it easily resonated with me. I even showed it to the ladies I worked with at The Ocilla Star, which made twice that I listened to the catchy little tune, and I already had the chorus memorized.

"Every day's a movie, I'm rolling up a doobie, there's different girls in my bed, man, my life is amazing."

But the very next day after playing the song at work, I went to the doctor because the acid reflux medicine I was on had not restored the voice I lost more than a month earlier. After hearing a speech about staying positive had the entirely opposite effect, I was utterly convinced I probably had throat cancer.

That night as I laid in bed, I think I was running a fever. I certainly had night sweats, and when I run a fever I have the most monotonous fever dreams. Sometimes I will dream of standing in place for hours, doing nothing. But that night all I did was hear that damnable song I had only heard twice playing on repeat in my head.

And there's nothing more maddening than to have a song stuck in your heard about how amazing someone else's life is when you're scared to death you're dying. By the time I reached a restless morning, I hated "My Life is Amazing."

A few days later, this past Saturday, I woke up coughing blood so I went to the emergency room. A mass was discovered on my lung, but my throat was clear of cancer concerns. This set off a series of visits to medical professionals, which, on the bright side, has allowed me to spend a lot of quality time with my mom.

My mom claims she does not like music. She uses this as an excuse when she sits in obvious discomfort as I try to share my songs with her. It's true that she never listens to the radio or albums, although I think her reactions may be based more on the quality of my singing. It's why I wrote a blues song with the chorus, "I've got a face only Mama could love, but even she don't love my voice."

I've kidded her that with me losing my voice, at least she might not ever have to hear me sing again. She now says she would love to hear me sing again. I'm not so sure.

So Tuesday I went to a very nice pulmonologist, Dr. Rubal Patel, about setting up a biopsy on the mass they found in my lung in the ER Saturday. After the appointment, my mom and I went out to eat.

A song came on at the restaurant with familiar lyrics.

"Settle doooowwwn, it'll all be clear, don't pay no mind to the demons, they fill you with fear. the trouble it might drag you down, if you get lost, you can always be found, just know you're not alone, cause I'm going to make this place your home."

Mama said, "What is this guy's name? I love him."

"I thought you didn't like music?" I accused.

I was convinced the song was made by the Swedish DJ Avicii, whom I incorrectly called Avinicii. Mama said that wasn't right, and the couple at the table next to us proudly declared that the singer was Phillip Phillips of Leesburg, Georgia.

Even though she had forgotten his name, my mom became a big fan of Mr. Phillips when he won American Idol. She even said that buying his album for her would be a nice gift. I became convinced that if Phillip Phillips was her son, she wouldn't sit in discomfort as she listened to his songs.

So I decided then and there that I wasn't a fan of Phillip Phillips.

So the next day, yesterday, Dr. Patel performed a bronchoscope on me to try to figure out what is going on with my health. She discovered I have thrush on my vocal chords, so my lost voice and the mass in my lungs might not even be related. And since thrush is a yeast infection, I can't wait to hear my friends joke about how I should gargle Monistat 7.

I don't remember a whole lot from the procedure, but I remember coughing a lot. Whenever my nose gets stopped up, I tend to cough uncontrollably, and having a camera stuck up your nose is definitely one way to stop it up. I think all my coughing made it difficult to scrape material from the mass for a biopsy, so I may have to be put completely under for another bronchoscope. We'll see.

I was left with an unexplained blotchy rash on my face, I'm guessing from a reaction to the anesthesia, which explains why the waiter at lunch yesterday looked at me like I had a blotchy rash on my face. I coughed up far more blood than I did on Saturday.

And last night, I ran fevers off and on throughout the night, and at one point, as I lay in bed, those familiar lyrics popped into my head:

"Every day's a movie, I'm rolling up a doobie..."

"NOOOOO!" I thought to myself in horror, and I forced myself to internally recite another song instead.

"Settle doooowwwn, it'll all be clear..."

Anyway, thank you all for the love and support, and lively debates, I've received over the past several days. I'll keep you updated, but it may be a week before I know anything new.