Loving a 'Narcissistic Sociopath'

Loving a 'Narcissistic Sociopath'

  4:41 AM    Unknown

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Photo: An ex-girlfriend claims Bo Dukes, pictured at right leaving the Ben Hill County Sheriff's Office March 3, is not a monster but she also said he is "pretty rotten."

I'm still hearing rumors about the murder of Tara Grinstead. I'm still hearing gossip and reading discussion topics about the possibility of more arrests coming. I've even heard a few things that seem to hold some truth that if they are true, would leave Ocilla and its community quaking to the core.

But it's hard to know what is fully true at this point. Every time it seems like we have the whole picture, someone shakes the Etch-A-Sketch.

I've always thought this case reminded me of the television show "Twin Peaks." A beauty queen is murdered and a small town's secrets are revealed in an investigation that seems to target everyone except the actual killer or killers. This case even has its own Log Lady, in a way.

The strangeness of this case has spilled over into my life. Strangers approach me in public places, and someone offered me $50 to call his mom just because she was so heavily invested in this case. Of course, I did it for free.

I've talked to people I never thought I'd talk to in this case, family members on all sides, and even people who were accused by self-appointed public judges. But only one person who reached out to me on the first weekend of March told me anything that I found both credible and worth reporting.

A woman contacted me claiming to be a former girlfriend of Bo Dukes, the man arrested March 3 in relation to allegations that he helped Ryan Duke cover up Tara's murder.

I will not share this woman's name, but I will call her Mary. She said I could use what she told me if I found it relevant and it was anonymous. I absolutely believe it's relevant, so I'm keeping her anonymous.

I have no way of confirming what she said or even if she was Bo Duke's girlfriend because if I asked around, I would reveal that I had talked to her. I can say she definitely has a lot of ties to the local area and all of the information she told me jibed with what I know about Bo Dukes.

In short, I believe her.

And she came to his defense, or at least, she did at the start.

Mary reached out to me because she read what I wrote about Bo Dukes on the night he was arrested. I said that the only nice thing anyone said to me about Dukes was that he is highly intelligent, and she wanted to share some of the good things about him.

She told me he once took her to a pet store just because she liked birds. They laughed over a joke book together. One night, after too much wine, he carried her up some stairs and tucked her into bed.

"He is not a monster," Mary said. "I just think people should know that."

"He is being emotionless because he must," she also said.

I've been a fan of the true crime genre even before it had that name, so I've heard plenty of stories of people who were monsters, but who seemed normal and even loving to those close to them. I told Mary about one particularly heinous example, Dennis Rader, the BTK Killer.

Between 1974 and 1991, Rader murdered 10 people using the chilling modus operandi that gave him his sinister epithet: "Bind, Torture, Kill." But Rader seemed the loving family man, with a wife and two kids. He was elected president of his church council and was a Cub Scout leader, yet he was also one of the most terrifying murderers of all time.

"I'm not saying that's Bo, but I think it is something for you to consider, because it is true that you are the first person who has had anything nice to say about him, including people who have known him since he was born," I told Mary.

Then, she began volunteering information that showed that she too saw a dark side to Bo Dukes.

"I know he is first and foremost self-preserving," she said.

She said he looks out for himself, that he can be cold and calculating, that he can shut down completely. She described him as someone who uses people, someone who got drunk on whiskey every day, and someone who "would have sex with anything that walked."

Late in our conversation, she said Dukes told her something I personally found very disturbing, and she said he said it in a casual way.

"He also told me he convinced three or four of his girlfriends to have abortions, but if he would have a baby with anyone on earth, it would be me," she said.

Mary said that 3 or 4 weeks earlier, Dukes asked her to run away with him. I've heard that the Georgia Bureau of Investigation may have been talking to Dukes for the 4 weeks prior to my conversation with Mary.

I told her that the behavior she described fit the mental picture I'd already been forming of a narcissist and manipulator. The kind of person who may have talked about the crimes he is alleged to have committed on an internet discussion board only hours after being bonded out of jail. The kind of guy who might try to get a woman to run away with him without letting her know she would literally be on the run.

Mary's response used a word I was trying carefully not to use because I'm not sure I'm qualified to make the assessment. The word was "sociopath."

"It's hard to know someone is a narcissistic sociopath but love them because you're one of a few who has actually seen the human side," she said.

Sociopaths are people who are "characterized by asocial or antisocial behavior or exhibit antisocial personality disorder," according to the definition of the word by Merriam-Webster.

"I'm trying to separate my feelings," Mary said. "I know he has been kind to me and shown me caring. But I also know that deep down he is pretty rotten."

She said that Dukes deserves to be held accountable, but she also said she believed the reason behind what happened was mistakes and bad choices, not malice.

"He should pay for this," Mary said. "But he isn't the murderous bastard everyone would make him out to be. People deserve to see the other side before they judge too harshly."

I asked her if she saw any change in Bo Dukes since Tara's disappearance. She said he looked "drawn and haunted," but she thought that was due to his time in the military.

She said that one night, years after Tara's disappearance, they talked all night, and she asked Dukes what was the worst thing he ever did.

"He got so emotional," Mary said. "He said I need to tell someone. I need to tell."

She said her stomach sank, and she knew it was about "her."

"He said, 'I watched. I watched,'" Mary said.

She said her gut told her. She knew.

"I said, 'Is it Tara?'" Mary said. "He got a hold of himself and said, 'No. Nothing like that.'"

"He just shut down," she said.

She said he later told her she could cut through bullshit better than anyone he knew.

"I knew, but I didn't know," Mary said.

I asked what he meant by "I watched" because that could mean that he watched someone die or watched a body burn or really, watched almost anything.

"I feel like he helped move her but didn't actually do the worst of it," she said, but she also wondered if Dukes told Ryan Duke what to do.

At that point, I encouraged Mary to talk to the GBI, if for no other reason, to assuage the guilt I could tell she was feeling. Although I don't think this woman actually knew anything about Tara's murder, she definitely had suspicions, and I think a good deal of guilt seeped in since Bo Dukes was arrested, whether the guilt was warranted or not.

She said she received mixed advice from friends and family. She said she was sitting back and waiting. She said she did not know enough to do any good and that going public might put her family under a microscope.

"I don't think I have anything of importance," Mary said. "Just intuition, hearsay, and insubstantial witness (sic). So why put myself out there for that?"

She said that the worst part is that if Dukes had told the full story he started, she did not know what she would have done.

"I'm so so glad he didn't finish that story," she said.

I know some of you will be tempted to condemn Mary or expose her by revealing her real name. Please don't. She is just a woman who had some unverified suspicions about someone she loved, and who of us would let a guess overrule our hearts? She, her decisions, and her family do not deserve our scorn.

She said that now the situation is driving her insane. She said it is all she can think about.

"I feel sick," Mary said. "I feel disgusted. Shocked. Hurt. Heartbroken. Angry. All of them."

She said she was morally torn about everything. She said she wants to be loyal and honest, but she also wants to protect her family.

"You don't get a class on what to feel or say if your ex helps hide a body," Mary said.

Note: Bo Dukes is only alleged to have committed crimes in association with Tara Grinstead's disappearance and murder. He is innocent until proven guilty.