Anger Anxiety and Apologies

Anger Anxiety and Apologies

  1:17 AM    Unknown

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I should be finishing the paper right now or sleeping or getting well. Instead, I'm bothered and down and embarrassed and feel I must admit my failings and in my own way, repent.

But before I admit my mistakes, I'm going to talk about criticism and cowardice and bravery.

I'm thin-skinned. It's one of my many, many flaws. Some, but not all criticisms wound and consume me.

You might think I'm talking about the person who called my blog circular reasoning, but that one didn't really bother me. It was just the final straw in that relationship. I'm not going to help someone who regularly and needlessly disrespects me.

Then, today with Wendy Floyd… I asked her respectfully not to accuse people on my Facebook page. She did again, while also calling me a coward. Her insults didn't bother me, not much, but I am not going to let her accuse people on my page anymore.

Then, I blocked someone on Facebook for the first time, her. A few minutes later I blocked someone for the second time when she came on with another account. Minutes later, she called me.

I told her to stop harassing me. She insulted and challenged me. I was angry, but I was trying to control my emotions.

Then she insinuated that God took my late nephew because I'm not a Christian.

"He already took your nephew," she said. "What's next?"

I hung up rather than say the nastiest things I have ever said to a human being. I wasn't insulted or wounded. I was just deeply, seethingly angry.

This experience, more than any in my life, has shown me that people are good or evil due entirely to their character, not their religious beliefs. Because I know people who wouldn't lift a Bible if there was gold under it who would have never even thought to say something so vile and despicable.

I'm going to seethe over what she said for some time, and I'm going to explore my legal options to end her harassment, but it's still not the type of criticism that wounds me, which curdles my confidence.

Someone tonight on Up and Vanished said that, to him, reading yesterday's blog was like "a 40-year-old madame reading the sex journal of a 13-year-old virgin." Now, first off, I respect the artistry. That's as colorful and creative as criticisms come.

But I felt run over, crushed. I admired the beauty of the classic automobile that ran over me, but I was crushed just the same.

You can disagree with my assertions, my conclusions or my political beliefs, and it doesn't faze me, but if you criticize my creations or the style of them, I wilt. I can receive 99 compliments, but that one criticism just crumbles me.

It's stupid, I know, but I thrive on honesty.

But that's OK. My friend Daniel keeps telling me that I need to prepare myself for it, and this right here is my way of working through these anxieties. What I'm writing now is my own strange therapy.

But I want y'all to know that even though I call myself a coward, I've seen dozens of sappy adventure movies where the moral of the story is that bravery is not being without fear, it's about having the courage to overcome that fear.

So when I say these things in this public forum, know that the bravery it requires is almost Herculean, because I am deeply afraid of those even deeper wounds I know the next criticism will cause.

But still I keep writing.

And another crippling fear I must face each time I write is the possibility that I'm making a mistake, and already, in the past 5 to 6 weeks, I've made a few. Last night, I did again.

I wondered aloud if someone I called "Courtney" was telling someone named koeli information about me or if they were actually the same person. I was confused because information I had just told "Courtney" suddenly appeared on the Up and Vanished board said by koeli.

Well, as it turns out, they probably had no connection at all.

Someone told me tonight that I was the one who shared the information myself, several weeks ago. If you read last night's blog, you know I briefly joined a private discussion group one night. Apparently, I shared the information with the group then, the information koeli later shared on UAV.

I checked the dates, and I joined the discussion group the day after I heard the information, so it was fresh on my mind. I can't know for sure, but I was probably the source, and it was probably just a damnable coincidence that the information came to light on UAV the day after I told "Courtney."

So, I want to apologize to koeli especially, since I used her actual UAV handle, but I also apologize to "Courtney."

Apparently, I burned my bridge with "Courtney," who told me tonight that they were going to keep their story safe, i.e. they weren't going to tell me what they weren't telling me anyway. I think I may have even been blocked.

That's OK. I still didn't really trust "Courtney" as a source, since I have no idea who they are or what they wanted from me. It's hard to trust someone who won't even share their name.

(My long-time online girlfriend would also find that last statement ironic).

Basically, I'm like a lawyer, who once you pay them they're on the clock and they can invoke attorney-client privilege. With me, once you give me your name and tell me something you want kept secret (usually even if I think you might want to keep it secret without you explicitly saying so) I'm working to protect you.

I guess I'm going to burn bridges as part of this particular job, though. I've scorched at least three in less than 24 hours. I hate it, but I've got to trust my gut, even if it sometimes fails me. I want to do the right thing. I don't want to make people angry or hurt feelings, and I feel like I did with "Courtney," and that's why I feel guilty about it all.

I'm sorry. I really am.

No one ever said that feeling alive wouldn't make you feel miserable sometimes. At least I'm feeling something.

Oh well, I've got a job to do. A lot of them.