Unstung Hero III

Unstung Hero III

  7:17 PM    Unknown

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Photo: These yellowjackets building a nest on my front porch don't really have much to do with this story, but they certainly don't bode well for the future.

Unstung Hero III

So I just went to the bathroom. Sorry, you can't choose how every story starts.

So I stood up after just finishing my business when I hear a buzzing from my bathroom window. I thought, no I hoped, it was a fly. It wasn't.

There are three things I am deathly afraid of. Actually, there are more than three. The list includes failure, success, women, rejection. There are three types of creatures I am deathly afraid of: Snakes, pitbulls and flying, stinging insects.

Sharks would be on the list but I have the good sense to stay out of the ocean.

Anyway, of those creatures that petrify me, my fear of flying, stinging insects is the one I most regularly face because there are plenty of bees, wasps, yellowjackets and hornets around my house.
My fear of them is not even entirely irrational. When I was a kid, I was stung by a wasp four times and nearly died because of an allergic reaction. I've never been stung as an adult so I don't know if I still have the allergy, but I'm quite satisfied never learning if I do.

But when I stood there, pants down, and looked in my bathroom window, it wasn't a fly. It was an enormous hornet. I mean, this wasn't just a measly little honey bee. This was a full-size, heavy-duty war machine of stinging.

But it was trapped between the blinds and the window, trying to fly through the glass unsuccessfully.
I was suddenly so afraid. I so wanted to get out of the room that I even considered not wiping.

Don't worry. I did.

Since the toilet is beside the window, I had to throw some deep passes, Tom Brady style.

Afterward, I quickly washed my hands, shut the door and strategized.

You have to understand that I really am deeply afraid of these things. A few years ago, yellowjackets at every door left me trapped inside my home. Another time, a yellowjacket building a nest on my front door kept me from going inside. I wrote about these incidents in The Ocilla Star in a couple of stories titled "Unstung Hero."

But this was worse than being stuck inside or blocked out. This was like the moment in the horror movie when you learn the call is coming from inside the house.

For my own peace of mind, I had to become the mighty hunter and kill that damn hornet. We simply could not co-exist peacefully.

I rolled up a softback book, about the size of a magazine but thicker, and I made my approach. I opened the door and peered inside. You've all seen that moment in the horror movie, where the spunky protagonist grips the kitchen knife and steels herself before going to face the slasher psycho.

This was nothing like that.

Instead, I just stood there and looked. I leaned in to make sure the hornet wasn't prowling in the nearby corners or under the shade of my lamp.

I didn't hear any buzzing, so I gingerly entered the bathroom. I saw it, the hornet, just where I left it, sitting at the bottom of the windowsill. It was completely motionless.

I thought, "Is it dead?" Had one of the several spiders in my bathroom killed it?

And yes, I'm not afraid of spiders. I'm not entirely a coward, despite the reputation I've earned over the past week or so.

I like having some spiders in my house because they keep the fruit fly population under control, and fruit flies are a nuisance when you're a slob who leaves Dr. Pepper cans littering his living room. I don't mind the spiders so much, as long as they don't crawl on me, but damn, if I do find one on me it might as well be a hornet because I freak out like I've been hit with a Taser.

Anyway, I had a hornet to deal with, but it seemed like it might be dead. I slowly moved over to the window, and I grabbed the string to the blinds and put just enough tension on the cord to make the bottom part of the blinds flinch.

The hornet's wings popped up in a show of intimidation and dominance. I halted. The hornet began turning a circle until it faced me. I retreated, but the evil little thing just kept on circling.

What was I to do?

If I pulled up the blind, the dastardly creature might charge at me and sting me to my very death. Or I might just have a heart attack and die from pure fright. No, I could't pull up the blind.

Then I realized the heavy bottom part of the blind might work as a cudgel. If I used the book to slam the bottom of the blind into the hornet, I might not have to lift the blinds at all.

So, I did just that. I used the rolled up book to slam the blind forward over and over. I never heard a buzz. I never heard a scream. But when I stopped slamming, the hornet seemed to be dead.

Then, I slammed it a few more times, just to be sure.

I feel like the mighty hunter!

At least until the next time I hear a buzz.

If you're interested in reading my past adventures with the yellowjackets, read Unstung Hero and Unstung Hero II.