Unstung Hero III

Unstung Hero III

  7:17 PM    Unknown

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Photo: These yellowjackets building a nest on my front porch don't really have much to do with this story, but they certainly don't bode well for the future.

Unstung Hero III

So I just went to the bathroom. Sorry, you can't choose how every story starts.

So I stood up after just finishing my business when I hear a buzzing from my bathroom window. I thought, no I hoped, it was a fly. It wasn't.

There are three things I am deathly afraid of. Actually, there are more than three. The list includes failure, success, women, rejection. There are three types of creatures I am deathly afraid of: Snakes, pitbulls and flying, stinging insects.

Sharks would be on the list but I have the good sense to stay out of the ocean.

Anyway, of those creatures that petrify me, my fear of flying, stinging insects is the one I most regularly face because there are plenty of bees, wasps, yellowjackets and hornets around my house.
My fear of them is not even entirely irrational. When I was a kid, I was stung by a wasp four times and nearly died because of an allergic reaction. I've never been stung as an adult so I don't know if I still have the allergy, but I'm quite satisfied never learning if I do.

But when I stood there, pants down, and looked in my bathroom window, it wasn't a fly. It was an enormous hornet. I mean, this wasn't just a measly little honey bee. This was a full-size, heavy-duty war machine of stinging.

But it was trapped between the blinds and the window, trying to fly through the glass unsuccessfully.
I was suddenly so afraid. I so wanted to get out of the room that I even considered not wiping.

Don't worry. I did.

Since the toilet is beside the window, I had to throw some deep passes, Tom Brady style.

Afterward, I quickly washed my hands, shut the door and strategized.

You have to understand that I really am deeply afraid of these things. A few years ago, yellowjackets at every door left me trapped inside my home. Another time, a yellowjacket building a nest on my front door kept me from going inside. I wrote about these incidents in The Ocilla Star in a couple of stories titled "Unstung Hero."

But this was worse than being stuck inside or blocked out. This was like the moment in the horror movie when you learn the call is coming from inside the house.

For my own peace of mind, I had to become the mighty hunter and kill that damn hornet. We simply could not co-exist peacefully.

I rolled up a softback book, about the size of a magazine but thicker, and I made my approach. I opened the door and peered inside. You've all seen that moment in the horror movie, where the spunky protagonist grips the kitchen knife and steels herself before going to face the slasher psycho.

This was nothing like that.

Instead, I just stood there and looked. I leaned in to make sure the hornet wasn't prowling in the nearby corners or under the shade of my lamp.

I didn't hear any buzzing, so I gingerly entered the bathroom. I saw it, the hornet, just where I left it, sitting at the bottom of the windowsill. It was completely motionless.

I thought, "Is it dead?" Had one of the several spiders in my bathroom killed it?

And yes, I'm not afraid of spiders. I'm not entirely a coward, despite the reputation I've earned over the past week or so.

I like having some spiders in my house because they keep the fruit fly population under control, and fruit flies are a nuisance when you're a slob who leaves Dr. Pepper cans littering his living room. I don't mind the spiders so much, as long as they don't crawl on me, but damn, if I do find one on me it might as well be a hornet because I freak out like I've been hit with a Taser.

Anyway, I had a hornet to deal with, but it seemed like it might be dead. I slowly moved over to the window, and I grabbed the string to the blinds and put just enough tension on the cord to make the bottom part of the blinds flinch.

The hornet's wings popped up in a show of intimidation and dominance. I halted. The hornet began turning a circle until it faced me. I retreated, but the evil little thing just kept on circling.

What was I to do?

If I pulled up the blind, the dastardly creature might charge at me and sting me to my very death. Or I might just have a heart attack and die from pure fright. No, I could't pull up the blind.

Then I realized the heavy bottom part of the blind might work as a cudgel. If I used the book to slam the bottom of the blind into the hornet, I might not have to lift the blinds at all.

So, I did just that. I used the rolled up book to slam the blind forward over and over. I never heard a buzz. I never heard a scream. But when I stopped slamming, the hornet seemed to be dead.

Then, I slammed it a few more times, just to be sure.

I feel like the mighty hunter!

At least until the next time I hear a buzz.

If you're interested in reading my past adventures with the yellowjackets, read Unstung Hero and Unstung Hero II.

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Anger Anxiety and Apologies

Anger Anxiety and Apologies

  1:17 AM    Unknown

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I should be finishing the paper right now or sleeping or getting well. Instead, I'm bothered and down and embarrassed and feel I must admit my failings and in my own way, repent.

But before I admit my mistakes, I'm going to talk about criticism and cowardice and bravery.

I'm thin-skinned. It's one of my many, many flaws. Some, but not all criticisms wound and consume me.

You might think I'm talking about the person who called my blog circular reasoning, but that one didn't really bother me. It was just the final straw in that relationship. I'm not going to help someone who regularly and needlessly disrespects me.

Then, today with Wendy Floyd… I asked her respectfully not to accuse people on my Facebook page. She did again, while also calling me a coward. Her insults didn't bother me, not much, but I am not going to let her accuse people on my page anymore.

Then, I blocked someone on Facebook for the first time, her. A few minutes later I blocked someone for the second time when she came on with another account. Minutes later, she called me.

I told her to stop harassing me. She insulted and challenged me. I was angry, but I was trying to control my emotions.

Then she insinuated that God took my late nephew because I'm not a Christian.

"He already took your nephew," she said. "What's next?"

I hung up rather than say the nastiest things I have ever said to a human being. I wasn't insulted or wounded. I was just deeply, seethingly angry.

This experience, more than any in my life, has shown me that people are good or evil due entirely to their character, not their religious beliefs. Because I know people who wouldn't lift a Bible if there was gold under it who would have never even thought to say something so vile and despicable.

I'm going to seethe over what she said for some time, and I'm going to explore my legal options to end her harassment, but it's still not the type of criticism that wounds me, which curdles my confidence.

Someone tonight on Up and Vanished said that, to him, reading yesterday's blog was like "a 40-year-old madame reading the sex journal of a 13-year-old virgin." Now, first off, I respect the artistry. That's as colorful and creative as criticisms come.

But I felt run over, crushed. I admired the beauty of the classic automobile that ran over me, but I was crushed just the same.

You can disagree with my assertions, my conclusions or my political beliefs, and it doesn't faze me, but if you criticize my creations or the style of them, I wilt. I can receive 99 compliments, but that one criticism just crumbles me.

It's stupid, I know, but I thrive on honesty.

But that's OK. My friend Daniel keeps telling me that I need to prepare myself for it, and this right here is my way of working through these anxieties. What I'm writing now is my own strange therapy.

But I want y'all to know that even though I call myself a coward, I've seen dozens of sappy adventure movies where the moral of the story is that bravery is not being without fear, it's about having the courage to overcome that fear.

So when I say these things in this public forum, know that the bravery it requires is almost Herculean, because I am deeply afraid of those even deeper wounds I know the next criticism will cause.

But still I keep writing.

And another crippling fear I must face each time I write is the possibility that I'm making a mistake, and already, in the past 5 to 6 weeks, I've made a few. Last night, I did again.

I wondered aloud if someone I called "Courtney" was telling someone named koeli information about me or if they were actually the same person. I was confused because information I had just told "Courtney" suddenly appeared on the Up and Vanished board said by koeli.

Well, as it turns out, they probably had no connection at all.

Someone told me tonight that I was the one who shared the information myself, several weeks ago. If you read last night's blog, you know I briefly joined a private discussion group one night. Apparently, I shared the information with the group then, the information koeli later shared on UAV.

I checked the dates, and I joined the discussion group the day after I heard the information, so it was fresh on my mind. I can't know for sure, but I was probably the source, and it was probably just a damnable coincidence that the information came to light on UAV the day after I told "Courtney."

So, I want to apologize to koeli especially, since I used her actual UAV handle, but I also apologize to "Courtney."

Apparently, I burned my bridge with "Courtney," who told me tonight that they were going to keep their story safe, i.e. they weren't going to tell me what they weren't telling me anyway. I think I may have even been blocked.

That's OK. I still didn't really trust "Courtney" as a source, since I have no idea who they are or what they wanted from me. It's hard to trust someone who won't even share their name.

(My long-time online girlfriend would also find that last statement ironic).

Basically, I'm like a lawyer, who once you pay them they're on the clock and they can invoke attorney-client privilege. With me, once you give me your name and tell me something you want kept secret (usually even if I think you might want to keep it secret without you explicitly saying so) I'm working to protect you.

I guess I'm going to burn bridges as part of this particular job, though. I've scorched at least three in less than 24 hours. I hate it, but I've got to trust my gut, even if it sometimes fails me. I want to do the right thing. I don't want to make people angry or hurt feelings, and I feel like I did with "Courtney," and that's why I feel guilty about it all.

I'm sorry. I really am.

No one ever said that feeling alive wouldn't make you feel miserable sometimes. At least I'm feeling something.

Oh well, I've got a job to do. A lot of them.

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The Maddening Role of Social Media

The Maddening Role of Social Media

  3:33 AM    Unknown

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Photo: Pictured is part of my computer desktop showing some the social media I had open as I finished this article, including Facebook and the Up and Vanished discussion board.

The Maddening Role of Social Media

Since the disappearance of Tara Grinstead in 2005, the importance of social media in the lives of people throughout the world has grown incredibly.

Since the early days of the search for Tara, the internet played a steady role, but the role expanded quickly to include chat rooms, discussion boards, and private discussion groups. After the arrest of Ryan Duke was announced, Facebook became my headquarters for information and even allowed me to conduct several interviews, but it also served as a massive distraction that took up hours each day of checking messages, reading comments and responding to them both.

Because I am working on a book about Tara and her disappearance, I want to record some of the strangeness that has arisen in this case due to social media. It's never been as crazy as this week, at least not to me, so the topic is timely.

After I wrote the story "The Day Ocilla Stood Still" for my blog, my life changed due to social media. I went from less than 500 friends on Facebook to almost 1,700. I gained hundreds of followers on Facebook, too. Suddenly, I went from writing for an audience of maybe 3,000 with The Ocilla Star newspaper to having as many as 35,000 people reading what I was writing.

And don't get me wrong, the compliments and encouragement I have received not only touched my heart, I think they pulled me out of a depression that has lasted most of my adult life. I feel like your response to what I wrote woke me up and made my life feel worthwhile again.

But, when someone asked me recently how it felt to be a celebrity, I didn't demure modestly and timidly say that "I'm not a celebrity," which I certainly could have. I'm only famous within a certain group and even now, that minor celebrity is fading. No, I still gave an honest answer.

How does it feel to be a celebrity? "Nerve-wracking," I said.

And it is. I have to worry about the implications of everything I write now. I have to worry about possibly angering people accused of despicable crimes. I have to worry about some of the things I've said shaping public perception. I even have to worry about things I say in private messages being twisted or told to the public at large.

I've always tried to be careful with my writing, but now I have to be careful on a whole new level, and it's not just with my writings. Because I've become something of a public figure in this case, I even have to watch what I say. Very closely.

Am I exaggerating? Not even slightly.

About angering people, I was told this weekend that someone was threatening me on the Up and Vanished discussion board. I was told that someone said I needed to keep the name Bo Dukes out of my mouth or else. Bo Dukes is accused of helping to cover up Tara's murder.

I couldn't find the post where I was supposedly threatened, but there are thousands of posts on the UAV board every day, so it's difficult to be sure it doesn't exist. Whether it's true or not, I already had that worry at the back of my mind. I also have the chain locked on my door, which I don't usually.

About shaping public perception, I've been told by several people in the Irwin County community that most people don't believe the official story the Georgia Bureau of Investigation is presenting through the arrest warrants for Ryan Duke and Bo Dukes. I worry that what I've written may have shaped that perception because I have either questioned the official story or hinted at its weaknesses before.

I really hope I haven't led to this belief, especially since I think the official story makes the most sense right now, from what we know. Of course I'm skeptical, but the GBI must have investigated this story very well. It wouldn't surprise me if there were polygraph results, testimony, DNA and other evidence that point toward the GBI's conclusions.

About watching what I say in private messages, it was just today that I learned just how much I should be watching my mouth, or in this case, my fingers typing. I'll have to start from the beginning, which was only a few days ago.

Friday, I woke up with a scratchy throat and feeling miserable, so I called in to work. It may have just been allergies since by now, on Sunday, I feel almost OK, although my voice is gone. Regardless, I slept till like 7 p.m. Friday, and I noticed a message on Facebook I must have missed.

This person with an obviously made-up name had sent me a message. I'll call this person Courtney, since I don't even know if it was a man or woman and I've heard of both men and women with that name. Courtney warned me about how someone was being rude toward me in online discussions. Since I couldn't verify what Courtney said, I won't say who was supposed to be being rude. Supposedly, this person refers to me as "Dumb Dusty."

Courtney and I had a long conversation in the wee hours of Saturday morning in which we discussed various aspects of the case. Through the midst of the conversation, it was clear that Courtney was, for lack of a better term, pro-Bo Dukes. By that, I mean that he or she believed or supported the GBI's official story and believes that Ryan Duke was the killer of Tara Grinstead.

This put me in the position of playing devil's advocate, which was easy enough since I am somewhat skeptical of the official story, so I gave Courtney some of my reasons for questioning the GBI's story. This was all through a private discussion.

For instance, one of the things that doesn't make sense to me is why Tara's purse was taken from her house. For months now, even before the arrests, I've said that if you could explain to me why Tara's purse was taken, I could tell you what happened to her.

Months ago, before the arrests, I started a blog entry in which I examined three possible scenarios. Tara was last known to be seen at a barbecue in Ocilla. When she left the barbecue either one of three things must have happened. Either she 1. Never went home, 2. Went home and left voluntarily, or 3. Went home and was taken from her home (either alive or dead).

Although I never finished the blog entry, I already knew that the idea that she was taken from her home was the least likely because of the missing purse. Why would someone take her and also take her purse? I can come up with reasons such as there being blood or fingerprints on the purse or that it was some half-hearted attempt to make it look like a theft-motivated burglary, but none of those seem very plausible.

Courtney said to ask if I had any specific questions, and this was the question I posed. Why was her purse missing? Courtney didn't know.

Courtney was very knowledgeable about the case though, or seemed to be. He or she was so knowledgeable that I wondered and still wonder if I was talking to someone very close to Bo Dukes or even Bo Dukes himself.

It may have even been both, as there was some indication that I was talking to two different people. I was told, Courtney "is asleep now" by someone using his or her account. Who was saying that?

Courtney was very adamant that I not expose what he or she was telling me, but this put me in a strange position. I don't know who he or she is. I don't know why he or she was talking to me. I don't know what his or her agenda is.

In my career as a journalist, I've rarely had to protect an anonymous source, at least until the past month or so. But every time I have had to protect an anonymous source, the source hasn't been anonymous to me. It's hard to feel a sense of loyalty to someone who won't even share their own name with you.

(The long-time online girlfriend I never met would find that last statement ironic).

Anyway, after this conversation with Courtney, the next day two of the things I said to him or her in this private conversation wound up on the Up and Vanished discussion board in a twisted fashion. Most prominently, a poster named koeli said that I said Ryan Duke had a child.

What I told Courtney was that someone told me Ryan had a child, but I also said I had only heard it from one person. For what it's worth, I think if he did have a child I would have heard it from more than one person by now. An Up and Vanished administrator said the idea that Ryan had a child was false, too, for what that's worth.

But this led me to wonder how this koeli person knew even that I was told Ryan had a kid. Was koeli Courtney? They certainly seemed different. While Courtney seemed almost pro-Bo, koeli seemed virulently anti-Bo. Koeli claimed not to have talked to me. Did Courtney tell koeli? Or had I told someone else the things koeli seemed to know?

One person contacted me and told me that a woman I know through Facebook told a private discussion board that I told her Ryan had a kid. Since all my communications with this woman were through Facebook, I read through our conversations. I never told her anything about Ryan having a kid, so it couldn't have been her. So why was someone trying to tell me that this woman was the source?

What the hell is going on?!

It really doesn't matter I suppose. Ryan probably doesn't have a kid, and I just need to be more careful with what I say, especially on social media like Facebook, even in private.

It was really my first personal taste of the sort of drama I've read about on the Up and Vanished boards. It seems that this sometimes duplicitous artificial community has grown out of the discussion board. People are accused of being trolls or hackers, people argue, and more than once, I've been told to look out for this person or that.

It really makes you wonder why. I mean, why participate at all? I do, somewhat, because I'm a journalist actively covering this emerging story who is also writing a book about it. I have to participate in the board, at least to some extent. But why do so many other people participate in the sometimes poisonous exercise of posting on the boards?

I really can't answer. I know the level of fascination with this case borders on obsession, and I'm no different than many, many others in that regard. Even if I wasn't a journalist doing all those things I listed above, I think I would still be utterly fixated by this case. It's compelling because it's a mystery and remains so even after the arrests. More than 11 years of speculation have left lots of dangling parts which still fascinate the public like a baby's diorama.

This segues into another interesting story about my interactions with social media in regard to Tara's case. Several weeks ago, I joined a private discussion group, in part due to curiosity. This is a group that requires a password to join, not an open, public forum like the Up and Vanished board. I wanted to know what these people were saying and why they were caught up in the case so deeply that they would spend their Friday night discussing it with strangers.

I was actually interviewing someone on Facebook at the time, and since most people use cell phones to type, the interview was going slowly, so I would sort of spy on the discussion board without actually participating for the first hour or two.

I noticed that some of the discussion reflected something that has become a pet peeve of mine when it comes to Tara's case: Irrationally holding on to past theories about who killed Tara. There's no reason at this point to consider folks like Marcus Harper or Heath Dykes or a few others persons of interest in this case, and unless new, earth-shaking evidence is revealed that points toward them, it's beyond cruel to continue to accuse them. Yet, some people still do. It's maddening.

So, when my interview ended, I was like a dog off its leash. I started tearing into the illogical nature of these accusations, probably a bit too strongly. I said that it was wrong to publicly accuse people without good reason.

One of those who was pointing fingers started arguing with me, and I argued back for a moment, but then I backed off after just a bit. But even after I backed off, the guy continuously said something like, "I wish you could read as well as you write."

I really didn't understand what he meant, at least not at first. I politely thanked everyone and left the discussion group.

After I left, I realized what I wasn't reading. I was saying it was wrong to accuse people in public, but the accusations were being made in front of a private group. How can you accuse someone publicly in private? Fair enough. I get the point.

But, you can have a party with thousands of people that is by invite only and call it private, but if you say something in front of those thousands of people, I still feel like that's saying something in public. This was maybe 20 people, but it still felt like "public" to me.

A friend who is a journalist I respect recently said that my writings are feeding the speculation I despise, but I don't really mind speculation. It's the irrational accusations, especially in public, that annoy me, and I hope I'm not contributing to that.

I think it's worthwhile to explain why accusing people in public is my pet peeve. Some may call me a hypocrite, but I feel like I've learned from my mistakes. It takes some explaining.

I've never thought Marcus Harper was responsible for Tara's disappearance or death. He was probably the most accused, publicly denigrated person in this whole ordeal, since suspicion tends to fall on husbands, boyfriends and exes, but I never thought it was him.

For full disclosure, Marcus and I were in the same class in high school, and I considered him a friend, although we weren't all that close. I was the type of kid who was picked on a lot, and I never remember Marcus being one of those who would do the picking. He was always kind to me. But I had not talked to him in more than 20 years until recently.

My friendship with Marcus is not the reason I never suspected him. The reason I never suspected him is that the idea of his involvement didn't make sense to me. I worked at The Tifton Gazette newspaper when Tara went missing, and on October 26, 2005, a photographer and I came to Ocilla to search for Tara with a couple of Tifton Police officers. One of those officers worked part-time in Ocilla and he knew Marcus and Tara. The officer said that Marcus could have been with Tara if he wanted, that Tara was madly in love with him, and 11 years of studying the case only reinforced those points and provided new reasons not to suspect Marcus, such as the fact that he had alibis for much of the time when Tara went missing.

Of course, I had my suspicions over the years, and since I never thought it was Marcus, you might guess who I suspected, but even then I wasn't convinced. Although I sometimes discussed theories in private, I never got on discussion boards sharing my theories. I never felt sure that someone was guilty, at least until about 5 months ago.

In November, the night before I had surgery to remove a lump on my buttock... I can't make this up... I received information that kept me up all night and convinced me I knew who killed Tara Grinstead. Although it was minor surgery, there's always a chance you never wake up, so there was a part of me happy to know that I wouldn't die without knowing who killed her. After I woke up, I spent the next several months putting together a theory about how, why and by whom Tara was killed.

Of course, my theory was completely wrong.

I realized I was probably wrong the night before Ryan Duke's arrest was announced. I had forgotten that the FBI said Tara was suspected to be wearing jogging pants and a specific pair of tennis shoes when she went missing. I could not make those facts logically fit what was already a convoluted theory.

I thought of this as I went to sleep February 22, and then the world changed on February 23.

And I felt guilty, and I should have, for being convinced someone who was innocent was guilty. But more than just suspicions and speculation, I had told several people about my theory, and since some of the people I talk to most work in a public place, some of those discussions were held where anyone could have overheard.

It's shameful, I know, but all I can do now is try never to do something like that again, and it's why I hate it when people publicly accuse people now, especially those who almost certainly had nothing to do with Tara's death. I despised that I was the kind of person who did that, and I despise it now when others do.

But we hate most the things we hate most about ourselves.

But really, it's just human nature. All nature, human or otherwise, abhors a vacuum, and something always rushes to fill it. A mystery is a vacuum and that vacuum is filled with our suspicions.

I could just as easily rail against people making accusations in private, but that's just completely unrealistic. People are going to judge, no matter what we do, but if they kept their accusations private, at least people could live in peace.

So, now I'm going to lightly touch upon the social media drama I inadvertently caused last week with my previous blog post.

As I said, I had not talked to Marcus Harper in more than 20 years until recently. But several weeks ago, I had just talked to Anita Gattis, Tara Grinstead's sister, on Facebook through her Missing Tara Grinstead Facebook page. Literally minutes later, I got a message from someone named Talbot von Sregor thanking me for my unbiased coverage of Tara's case through the years.

Recognizing that Talbot von Sregor was probably a made-up name and since I had not seen an Anita Gattis Facebook page at that time, I asked, "Is this Anita?"

Talbot responded, "Hell no! This is Marcus!"

Normally, I wouldn't reveal his secret identity, but he made it clear who he was last week on my Facebook page. In fact, several weeks ago, someone asked me if Talbot was Marcus, which put me in a tough situation. If I said yes, then I would have betrayed Marcus' trust. If I said no, I would be a liar. So I said nothing. I just completely ignored the question, even when I was asked again.

These are the sorts of weird decisions I must make lately.

So, then last week I posted my blog entry, "Revelation," and when I woke up the next day, my internet was out. I didn't work that day, so it wasn't until I visited my mom that afternoon that I had access to the world wide web. My mom told me Facebook was going crazy. She was understating.

One of the first comments about the blog entry on Facebook was from Dr. Maurice Godwin, the private forensic investigator who has investigated Tara's case since 2006. He said something to the effect of "Someone is off their medications again." I don't know exactly what he said because he erased it and replaced it with another statement accusing the blog post of being circular reasoning.

I'm not sure how a blog post that includes two stories of completely different natures, one about me overcoming my cowardly inclinations and the other revealing facts and rumors about the Tara Grinstead case, can be circular reasoning, but to each his own.

People will find a way to rationalize why they don't like something when they are unable or unwilling to articulate the real reasons. For instance, about a year ago someone else said they didn't like one of my blog entries because it was "too soap-boxy." All opinion pieces are soap-boxy! It's like saying "I don't like this salt because it's too salty."

Obviously, I'm thin-skinned when it comes to criticism, but when someone insults you or your work in a public forum like Facebook, a discussion board or a comments section, it isn't meant to be constructive. It is meant to tear you down. And when it is someone you have assisted on a number of occasions, it's particularly frustrating.

People on the Up and Vanished board wondered if Godwin's original statement about the medications was some sort of inside joke between friends. It wasn't. At the risk of stirring up drama, this is the truth.

This is not the first time Godwin has been needlessly critical toward me. Once he was critical of a previous blog entry, and though he had some good points in the discussion that followed, his tone really bothered me, particularly the use of SMH, for "shaking my head," in response to me. I wrote a long, polite response, but I held it back with the reasoning that it might burn my bridges with him and that I might be being too sensitive.

Afterward, I was glad I didn't respond because we had several conversations over the past year about Tara's case. We seemed to have a good working relationship, helping each other. Then, on the same day at nearly the same time he was asking me for help on Facebook, he publicly told someone on the Up and Vanished board that you need Prozac to read one of my blog posts. Still I held my tongue, not wanting to burn bridges.

But this was strike three. I've been nice enough.

And Marcus, apparently no fan of Godwin, seemingly rushed to my defense when Godwin made his "off the meds" comment. "Maybe you need another prescription then?" Marcus said to him.

To his credit, Godwin's response to some of the things Marcus said was not rude. He even said he was glad he was wrong about Marcus being a person of interest.

Then, Anita Gattis and others joined in the conversation. And I'm not going to rehash everything that was said. The relationship between Marcus and Anita is long and complex, and they are both adults who can speak for themselves. I'm not going to even touch what they said.

Those are some bridges I obviously don't want to burn, and like when someone asked me if Talbot was Marcus, I think the best thing for me to do in this situation is nothing.

But then Wendy Floyd got involved.

Wendy is probably the most vocal of those who still believe Marcus had something to do with Tara's death. She believes God told her he did. I won't judge her for that, as many people have religious beliefs I don't personally believe, but I obviously don't think that's true.

But I think I need to draw a line. Wendy, if you read this, you can say whatever you want to say, and I won't bother you for it, but please do not accuse people on my Facebook page anymore. Please show me the respect not to do that. Thank you.

Some might say, "Why not just delete what she posted?"

That seems antithetical to my entire purpose of existing, frankly. My job is to record history, not erase it.

But social media has obviously made my job more difficult, even as it is necessary for me to use it for my job in today's environment.

Now, imagine how much more difficult the job is for law enforcement for the same reasons. Not only must they investigate cases in the normal fashion, I wouldn't be surprised if they have someone monitoring the Up and Vanished discussion board right now or even the Facebook pages of certain characters, perhaps even mine.

As someone who has spent a weekend sick and doing almost nothing but monitoring social media because of various hi-jinks, I can guarantee you, that is a grueling, thankless job. But unfortunately, it may now be a necessary one.

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Revelation

Revelation

  3:03 AM    Unknown

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Photo: A truck passes on Highway 129 on February 28, 2017, near the pecan orchard I believe was searched in 2005.

Revelation

I wish I was as brave as that guy on Up and Vanished.

But I'm a coward.

Last week, I wrote a blog entry revealing some facts I've agonized over for weeks now. I'd already weakly stated some of these facts, or at least hinted at them, but I'd never solidly said, "I believe this happened." At least not on my blog or in the newspaper.

I hinted at it hard in the last blog entry I posted about the Tara Grinstead case, as I was worried that someone was trying to keep it covered up. I still am, but even then, I stayed mostly quiet.

Like a coward.

Then I wrote what I wrote last week, a blog entry I started on the one-month anniversary of the day the arrest of Ryan Duke was announced in Tara's case. I spilled the beans, or most of them, enough of the beans to cook a bowl of chili, if not the whole pot.

But I didn't post that blog entry. The one with the beans. The one with the revelation.

Because I'm a coward.

Well, that's not the only reason. Thursday and Friday of last week were quite hectic for me because I was headed out of South Georgia. I conducted a long interview with a cool couple who moved from the Virgin Islands to the deep country to be maybe the smartest, hippest farmers I've ever met, and then I had to hurriedly write the story based on the interview before I left town. I had to pack and charge my batteries.  I had to get my head and face shaved so I didn't look like Animal from the Muppets.

You see, my brother, Dylan, got married in Walhalla, South Carolina, Saturday. That's about a 4-and-a-half hour trip from my hometown of Irwinville. My sister and I were leaving Friday afternoon, and that trip compressed my time so much that if it was coal it'd be a diamond by now.

Thursday, although my worry and contemplation had culminated in a decision to make a revelation in my blog, I had other concerns, too. I wanted to make a better version of a song I made for Dylan and his new wife, Amber, when their son, my nephew, Samuel passed away last year. The song, "Sammy," is written in honor of that little angel of a kid, but the song itself was originally composed with a threadbare chord progression with very little music because in an eerily similar circumstance, I didn't have the time to make a complete song because my sister and I were rushing to get to South Carolina for the funeral.

So, I made some improvements to the song Thursday and Friday. But even then, I didn't share the song with my brother or sister-in-law. Weird. "Sister-in-law."  I've never said that before. I've never had a sister-in-law. That's kinda cool.

I don't know why I didn't share the song. Maybe it's because I think the threadbare version was better, more raw and less polluted. Maybe it's because I worried that I would stir up sad emotions during a joyous occasion.

Maybe I'm just a coward.

And likewise, I didn't share the blog entry I wrote, the one with the revelations. I finished it, somehow, in the midst of all I had to do over those two days, and I think if I had maybe an hour or two more, I might have worked up the courage to post it.

But I didn't, and it weighed on me all weekend.

The thought that kept coming back to me is what someone wrote to me recently. It was one of the people who gave me money to buy a newer car (which I still haven't done, though I have started looking). When he sent me a check, he left a note that said, "Keep 'em honest."

And I can be a coward all I want when it comes to asking girls out or driving long distances or being too afraid to open my door because there are wasps flying around it. I can be a coward when it only affects me, but by accepting those checks, by accepting your praise and encouragement, I have created an obligation to those of you who want me to be an upstanding truth teller.

I can't be a coward for you.

So I decided that when I came home, I would post some version of that blog entry. I decided I would make my revelation.

But being the only redneck in South Carolina without a cell phone, I went almost 3 days without Facebook access, and I didn't know Judge Melanie Cross ruled on the gag order Friday after I left town. So when I got back to Irwinville, I was instantly distracted trying to sort out what the new gag order meant. For the record, I think it's a definite improvement, but you can read more about that in this week's Ocilla Star.

Of course, I was exhausted after a long trip, so I crashed into bed early, but then I woke up early on Monday, too. I locked myself into overdrive mode. Even though Monday is my busiest day as the writer for The Ocilla Star, as it's not uncommon for me to work 20 or more hours on a Monday, I was determined that I was going to stay undistracted and get my work done as quickly as possible so I could get some of my other work done at home later.

But circumstances are just witchy sometimes.

Because today, the friendly, talkative internet guy was installing new wires and equipment, which was distracting. And just when I thought I had finished my writing, the chief showed up with two weeks of police reports. The power went out twice in Ocilla because a big tree limb fell on a power line. That set me back, and it got even worse because after the power outage, my computer started taking nearly 2 minutes to save, and when your work on news pages autosaves every 5 minutes, that means you can work only about 60 percent of the time.

That's how I normally work, about 60 percent of the time, but since I was in a rush my nerves were fraying, especially when a certain thought entered my mind.

Nearly two weeks ago, when the judge held a hearing on the gag order in Tara's case, Payne Lindsey interviewed me for the Up and Vanished podcast. In that podcast, I spoke some about the revelations I was scared to make. I wasn't sure exactly what I said to Payne, but I knew it was something he might put in an episode, and the new episode was due to premiere that night, Monday night.

I didn't want to scoop myself.

But circumstances ground on through the night and I finished with my Ocilla Star work about halfway through the latest episode of Up and Vanished. I was relieved because my name was not mentioned, and there weren't even any unidentified voices in the background that were actually me, as has happened once or twice before. But then, Payne introduced me, and I cringed.

I cringe a little every time I come on Up and Vanished because I talk so fast and sound like I've got my nose stuck in a door I slammed shut to keep from getting stung by wasps, but this time was special because, as I've noted, I was really scared about making these revelations. There are a variety of reasons why.

First, I'm scared of cops, in general. Some of them I consider to be friends, even good friends, but when push comes to shove, I wouldn't either push or shove them because I don't want to go to jail. I also don't want to cross cops because I don't want to come home to find a planted bail of marijuana on my front porch. Maybe that's why I keep so much garbage there.

But aside from my probably irrational fear of law enforcement officers, I have a certain responsibility to my community, and this revelation could be bad for my community. A Chamber of Commerce expert that recently spoke to the local Chamber told a story about how she convinced her local reporters to keep a story quiet for some time, at least months, because it was better for the community.

But was it, really? Surely it was to her because she got what she wanted, which was more than 2,000 new jobs for her town. But if I lived in her town, which I don't, but if I did, I would have a hard time trusting the local press if I knew this story.

How can we, as reporters, decide which truths are worth hiding? I don't think that ethically we can, not if something is important. We can ignore a comment a county commissioner makes about his pastor at a meeting because it's not important to the public at large, but if that same commissioner said he illegally gave the pastor county money to build a home for orphaned children, I think we have a responsibility to tell it, even if it was for a good cause.

If the press is important at all, then it is important that the press be trusted, and I think both are important. Look at our country right now and how trust in the press is eroded, and it's scary, frankly. Look at the confusion and anger and fear in our world right now, and a lot of it started with dishonest journalism.

We have to be honest, and like my benefactor told me, we've got to "keep 'em honest."

When I talked to Payne that night after the gag order hearing, I told him about when I first started working for The Ocilla Star and how I encountered some push-back from local leaders. There was an attitude in Ocilla of trying to keep everything positive, and I wasn't entirely afraid to stand up and point out when something was wrong. That seemed to be a bit unusual for this small town, and some folks didn't like it. They still don't.

But to me, pretending that everything is positive is like someone who is dying of cancer but they won't get treated because they won't even admit anything is wrong. A person who won't fix his ills will die from them, and a community, especially a small town, is much the same way. If we don't fix our problems, they will continue to ail us.

That is the most important and necessary job of a journalist, pointing out what needs to be fixed, and this revelation may point out something that needs to be fixed.

So when I listened to the podcast tonight, and I heard myself make the revelation, I instantly felt relieved. All the anxiety and worry poured from me. I even felt proud.

And I thought, I wish I was as brave as that guy on Up and Vanished.

Me.

Just to be clear, the revelation I've been talking about is the fact that I believe very strongly that law enforcement received and followed up on a tip about Ryan Duke and Tara Grinstead in 2005, only weeks after she went missing.

I won't reveal everything I've heard about that tip, but I have heard the meat of the story from at least two people whose stories mesh perfectly with each other and whose honesty and integrity I do not doubt. I believe what I say about this tip to the very edge of certainty.

My sources do not want to go on the record, at least not yet, and I certainly don't blame them. I wish I could tell you everything I know, but I can't without compromising the identities of those who wish to remain anonymous.

Here is what I wrote last week but was afraid to post.

Remaining questions

Believe it or not, as I write this, it has been exactly one month since the Georgia Bureau of Investigation announced the arrest of Ryan Duke in the Tara Grinstead murder case.

Of course, February is a short month, but we've learned a lot in this short month, though we still have plenty of questions.

This will be a summary of what I know, what I believe I know, and what the rumors seem to suggest. I will, as best as I can, try to provide the source for what I say, but sometimes I can't because I'm keeping dozens of secrets right now about a variety of things. Some people are bound by the gag order, some think they might be bound by the gag order, and some worry about the danger their secrets might place them in. Some just don't want folks to know they're talking to the press.

With all that in mind, don't easily dismiss something I say with confidence. I might know more than I'm saying.

Let's start with the beginning, which is frankly the period of time about which I have the most remaining questions.

On October 22, 2005, Tara Grinstead helped girls prepare for the Georgia Sweet Potato pageant at her home and later attended the pageant in Fizgerald. Later she attended a barbecue at the home of former Irwin County school superintendent Dr. Troy Davis in Ocilla. At about 11:15 p.m., she left a barbecue and was never seen publicly again.

We don't know if Tara drove directly home after the barbecue, but she indicated to Davis that she planned to go home, change into her pajamas, and watch a tape of the pageant. This mentioned pageant tape has long been a source of interest for me because I've always heard no tape was ever found.

A friend of Tara's told me that it is possible that Tara meant she was going to watch another pageant tape, such as tapes of the past pageants she competed in herself. This sounds plausible, as Tara might have had her nostalgic feelings of past glory stirred by seeing other girls compete that night.

If the GBI's allegations against Ryan Duke are factual, then we know Tara somehow made it the few blocks from Davis' home to her own Ocilla home. We know this is part of the GBI's story because all of the crimes Ryan Duke is alleged to have committed are alleged to have taken place in Tara's home some time on October 23, 2005. Those alleged crimes were burglary, aggravated assault, murder, and concealing the death of another.

When I first met Payne Lindsey, host of the Up and Vanished podcast, he told me that Tara's phone received the first phone call she did not answer some time early on October 23, which was a Sunday. Payne told me the time of the call, and I can't swear to it, but I believe it was 12:20 a.m. It was some time between midnight and 1 a.m. I believe this information was told to him by Dr. Maurice Godwin.

The point of giving this specific time is that, if true, it may indicate a time when Tara could not answer her phone.

As to what actually happened at Tara's tiny home on Sunday, October 23, 2005, we know very little, and it's amazing how little rumor is circulating about what may have happened there, at least from what I hear. No one seems to know what happened in that house, and few even seem to have a good guess.

I have heard one rumor about that night that had a somewhat believable motive, but I've also heard three different versions of that story now, and the motive isn't the same, depending on the source. It also involves a third culprit, and no third arrest appears to be coming. I was surprised when I visited a friend at the Irwin County Detention Center recently and learned that a version of this rumor had even reached behind bars.

But I don't believe that rumor. I have no proof of this, and it's really just a guess, but I doubt a third culprit was involved at all.

The vaguely illustrated charges against Ryan Duke do little to enlighten us about what happened at Tara's house. This may jibe with what I continue to hear about Ryan Duke's discussions with the GBI. I've heard that he has talked to the GBI, and I've heard repeatedly that he confessed. However, I've also heard he's told the GBI little about what happened, even if he did confess.

That could all be rumor, of course, but if no one who was inside the house is talking to the GBI, then it might explain why the charges listed in the warrants against Ryan Duke were so vague.

What the arrest warrants allege is that Ryan Duke broke-in to Tara's house to commit aggravated assault and murder, that he assaulted her with his hands, that he caused her to die while committing a felony, and that he concealed her death.

A lot of people in the community are wondering about the level of participation of Bo Dukes in these allegations. The GBI arrested Bo Dukes in relation to concealing Tara's death and burning her body in Ben Hill County, the neighborring county to Ocilla's Irwin.

All of the charges against Bo Dukes stem from his alleged activities in Ben Hill County. He has not, to public knowledge, been charged with any crimes in Irwin County, and Ryan Duke was not charged with any crimes in Ben Hill County, to public knowledge. This leaves an incomplete picture unless we believe someone did a macabre exchange at the county line.

Most people, me included, think Bo Dukes has cooperated with the GBI in some fashion and that he probably has a plea deal arranged, at least in principle. Heck, I've heard Bo Dukes may have talked with the GBI for months before the recent arrests.

On, March 3, 2017, the day Bo Dukes was arrested and released just a few hours later on a $15,000 bond, the District Attorney for Irwin County, Paul Bowden, arrived at the Ben Hill County Law Enforcement Complex, where Dukes was being processed. Bowden has no authority in Ben Hill County, so his presence was interesting to say the least. Surely it wasn't coincidence.

It's made me wonder if Bowden was there to in some way certify a deal with Bo Dukes, but that's just my speculation.

Since I'm speculating, I'm going to guess that the motive for whatever happened to Tara wasn't theft since her tiny house might be the least likely target for that sort of crime in that neighborhood, and it wasn't anything as twisted as someone who wanted to kill for the thrill of killing, like a serial murderer. I think the motive had to have something to do with the fact Tara was a beautiful, popular young woman: Either someone was attracted to her or was angry or jealous about one of her romantic relationships.

I've heard Ryan Duke and Bo Dukes were roommates when Tara went missing. I've heard this so much I believe it's true, but I've confusingly heard they lived in Valdosta, Tifton and Fitzgerald.

I've heard that Bo has said that Ryan showed up in the middle of the night on October 23, 2005, and said he needed help with something.

The GBI's tale alleges that Tara's body was destroyed between October 23 and October 28, 2005 at a pecan orchard called Fitzgerald Farms, north of the town of Fitzgerald. So far, to public knowledge, only Bo Dukes has been charged in relation to the allegations regarding the pecan orchard.

I believe Tara's remains were found.

We probably would know that already, but the gag order is probably preventing it. The GBI announced the search at the orchard on February 28, and by March 3, the search was apparently over. This highly suggests they found what they were searching for.

I've heard that Bo Dukes had trouble pointing out the exact location of the burn site. And every rumor I've heard since the day of the announcement of Ryan Duke's arrest has said the body was burned. I even heard that before the arrest announcement.

I have no idea if Tara's pocketbook and keys, or any jewelry she may have been wearing, were found.

So how did this crime stay a secret for more than 11 years?

It didn't.

I've been told it was like an urban legend to young people of a certain age group, although they were only kids when Tara went missing. Somehow people throughout the community seemed to be accusing Ryan Duke and Bo Dukes even in the hours before Ryan Duke's arrest was announced. And I think some people had heard the rumor but dismissed it because they thought it had been investigated and found false.

I believe that in 2005, a tipster overheard some talk at a party that alarmed him. I believe that between 2 and 6 weeks after Tara went missing, local law enforcement officers were told about this tipster's allegations. I believe this led to a search at a pecan orchard north of Ocilla known as Fitzgerald Farms.

In 2005.

Nothing was found. I was told the tipster couldn't find the burn pile or found the wrong burn pile. Remember, I heard Bo Dukes also had trouble locating the burn pile. It's a big orchard. I've heard 100 to 150 acres.

I don't know how far the investigation went, such as whether Ryan Duke was interviewed. Right now, we can look back with our perfect vision and say, "That should have been investigated more heavily," and we'd be right. But this was 2005, and that was a strange time for Ben Hill-Irwin community, especially for law enforcement.

Usually, the most damning trouble an officer has to deal with in Irwin County is a deer vs. car wreck, because there are a lot of them. Suddenly, the officers in Irwin and Ocilla were getting flooded with tips and leads. "Check yonder near that old silo!" "I heard there was a moonshiner's shanty house back in them woods!" "I saw somebody acting funny at the swamp!"

This is how I think the media coverage in Tara's case might have actually hurt, because law enforcement was following so many tips, they might not have been able to tell the bad from the good. And, if you think about it, "I was drinking at a party and heard somebody bragging about killing Tara Grinstead" doesn't really sound like a good tip.

And I think, to a large degree, the local law enforcement served as an unintentional filter for the GBI, because I believe GBI Special Agent In Charge JT Ricketson was being honest when he said Ryan Duke was "never on our radar." Even if it wasn't true, I think he believed it was true. I doubt the tip was ever handed up to the GBI because there didn't seem to be anything to it.

In probably 2008, I called in a tip about someone who thought the people who killed Tara were out to get him. I talked to local deputies and they checked it out, determined there was nothing to it, and that was it. My tip involved someone who was later investigated by the GBI, but I was never even called by the GBI about it, so I doubt that tip was passed up either.

Maybe it didn't need to be passed up, as I don't think my tip had anything to do with Tara's disappearance. But with this other tipster, the one who talked about Ryan Duke, I think the filter may have filtered out the wrong thing.

In early 2006, I believe, some sort of tip led to a massive search of the Queensland area, which is very near the pecan orchard. This was a time when the tips had slowed down and a search was worth a news story on its own. It makes you wonder if this was someone else coming forward with a similar tip, but this time it was someone anonymous who could not point out the specific location in person.

I'm just about done, but I will say that according to the guys I talked to in jail, Ryan Duke is being kept mostly isolated from the other inmates. Apparently he has gotten a haircut, and a shave, too, I think.

I want to address some of you conspiracy theorists out there. Let go. I know some of you have believed for years that this person or that person was guilty of something in Tara's case, but to continue to hold onto these diabolical fantasies about people who should be cleared at this point is maddeningly arrogant and truly thoughtless.

I'm not sure I believe the GBI's story yet, because we really haven't heard it in full, but around Ocilla, where people have lived and breathed this case for more than a decade, no one believes any of the usual suspects associated with Tara were involved in any way. I haven't heard the first rumor locally that involved anyone whose name was known outside Ocilla before February 23.

And I hear a lot of rumors, as you've read.

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Gagged and Blindfolded

Gagged and Blindfolded

  11:54 PM    Unknown

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Photo: The Irwin County Courthouse is shown on the afternoon of March 16, 2017.

 Gagged and Blindfolded

After two weeks of near non-stop updates and information in the Tara Grinstead case, some of y'all probably noticed that the last week or so has been much calmer.

A lot of that is due to the gag order that stopped law enforcement officers, defense attorneys, court personnel, members of the victim's families or members of the defendant's families, or even potential witnesses from making extrajudicial statements. No one is talking, so there's not a lot to write about.

The most interesting moment I had was on Monday night, technically Tuesday morning. I had just finished writing all my stories and putting them in the newspaper when… Wait, that's not entirely true.

While I wrote all my stories, I actually forgot to put one in the newspaper. I forgot about Ocilla Community Day, which is a special clean-up day for the city, which will be held from 8 a.m. to noon Saturday, March 25 in the Harvey's parking lot. Since I forgot to put my story in the paper, I said I'd mention it in my blog. So if you're from the Ocilla area and want to help beautify the city, show up! If you're someone from out of the Ocilla area who is just fascinated by the Tara Grinstead case, March 25 would be a good time to come skulk about the streets of Ocilla in snoopy fashion, just make sure to pick up some trash while you're here.

So anyway, Tuesday morning at about 3 a.m. I loaded into my old Nissan, after checking the back-seat for any potential evil-doers. I'm extra cautious after my experience with the ax a few weeks ago.

With the back filled with nothing but Dr. Pepper boxes and empty Burger King cups, I started to drive home. To get home, I travel down an alleyway behind the newspaper office. Part of the alley goes through a bank parking lot.

So, as I drove down this alley at 3 a.m. a vehicle pulled out of the… wait a second.

I should backtrack and tell you that I listened to the latest episode of the Up and Vanished podcast that same night. In it, a guy talks about seeing Ryan Duke, who was charged with Tara's murder, in a black truck.

The reason a black truck could be important is that multiple witnesses reported seeing a black truck near Tara's house on the weekend she disappeared back in 2005.

So, as I drove down this alley at 3 a.m. a black truck pulled out of the bank parking lot and seemed to be blocking the alley, at least momentarily, and in that moment, a scene from an action movie came to life in my poor tormented mind.

I envisioned someone emerging from the cab of the pickup with a shotgun aimed at me as I did a Kurt Russell turn around to look out my back glass like Bruce Willis as I accelerated in reverse and whipped the car around like Sylvester Stallone. Dodging bullets like Jet Li, I would have zig-zagged my way through the alley like a fastly furious Vin Diesel.

Then I would have raced to the sheriff's office and beat on the door like a very scared Dusty Vassey.

But none of that happened. The black truck just eased on past. Probably someone went for a late-night ATM visit, although I don't think I'd want any of whatever he was buying at 3 a.m.

Maybe if the gag order gets lifted, my life will be filled with more mundane excitements, but unfortunately, today, March 16, 2017, it wasn't lifted.

I showed up today at the Irwin County Courthouse with my camera in hand and anxious to see open government in action. I left disappointed and empty-handed, sometime later.

You see, as I approached the courtroom, a bailiff told me they were checking to see if I could have a camera inside. And unfortunately, I could not take my camera inside.

I had forgotten you have to request the use of a camera at superior court events. Only two or three news agencies requested to use a camera, and I wasn't one of them, so I went camera-less, even though I was the only reporter in the room that pays taxes for that room.

I felt gagged and blindfolded.

But it was my own fault, just like the last time I wound up like that.

Kidding.

I won't go into the minutiae of the court proceeding. The gist is this: Judge Melanie Cross will take some time to consider the arguments made, and she plans to have a decision within the week about whether to nullify her own gag order.

This is a bit like having a cook review her own restaurant. Or a reporter write his own review for his own book. Not that I'm impugning the integrity and honesty of judges. Or cooks or reporters for that matter. We're all predominantly honest and integral.

Judge Cross certainly seemed to take the varying arguments into consideration. But she was in a tough situation. It's difficult to imagine having to correct your own judicial decision. And if you do, it's bad enough having to admit you're wrong under any circumstances, but having to do in front of a room full of people and in front of thousands on camera?

Not that I'm saying Judge Cross was wrong.

OK, maybe I am sort of, but only because I disagree with her decision, and what do I know? Next to nothing, that's what.

I'll get into some of the attorney's reasoning in a moment, but my reasoning is a bit more simple. Right now, we don't know if there will even be a trial in which Duke's rights to a fair trial will be needed. But because Duke's rights may be jeopardized possibly somewhere down the road, dozens, maybe even hundreds of people have their first amendment rights taken away from them right now. Among those who have their rights denied to them are the family members of Duke's alleged victim.

That's just simply not right.

Anita Gattis, Tara Grinstead's sister, was one of those who motioned to oppose the gag order.

The attorneys for the Atlanta Journal-Constitution and other news agencies argued against the gag order on somewhat complex legal grounds. Most of their arguments could be boiled down to these points: 1. A gag order requires evidence of creating prejudice against a client. 2. A high volume of media coverage is not necessarily prejudicial. 3. No evidence was produced to show the media was creating prejudice against Duke before the gag order was put in place, so the gag order should not stand.

Prejudice against Duke seemed to be a cornerstone of the arguments for and against the gag order. Defense attorney John Mobley presented a stack of about 79 different media reports to show the danger of prejudice being created by the media. Well, I can't speak for all of those reports, but if any were my reports about Ryan Duke, they included people saying several nice things about him. Could my report be prejudicing people in Duke's favor?

I wasn't writing to make him sound like a great guy, but people had mostly nice things to say about him. That's the weird thing about the truth. Sometimes it doesn't paint the picture we're expecting. But is it harmful to the defense?

Maybe some of the nice things reported about Duke are why District Attorney Paul Bowden sat at Mobley's table and also expressed support for the gag order. Which he did. Well, what Bowden said was that his office did not oppose the gag order and that he also had an interest in protecting Duke's rights. OK, but…

Seeing a prosecutor and a defense attorney sitting at the same table was strange. It was like watching a cat and mouse happily prepare a cheese-covered chocolate pie in a cake pan. It just looked weird.

But some people I talked to thought it looked worse than weird. They thought it looked suspicious.

You see, last week The Herald-Leader newspaper reported that the district attorneys in Ben Hill and Irwin counties, which includes Bowden, asked for the gag order to control the case information so that jury pools would not be tainted. I was told by multiple people that the defense attorney asked for the gag order, and I even saw copies of a letter or fax to Ocilla Police Chief Billy Hancock from Bowden saying that the defense attorney asked for the gag order.

Which is it?

I spent much of the afternoon talking about the gag order hearing. While a friend tried to say that it is suspicious that the District Attorney would want the information in this case hushed, I lawyered as another type of DA: Devil's Advocate.

I've covered enough trials in Bowden's judicial circuit to know the man is no fan of the press. Once I was told he accused me of "having the streak of the liberal" when I covered one of his cases. One of his assistants is an old friend of mine, and she now treats me as if I have the plague, I suspect because I am considered the enemy in her office.

I argued that it could be that the DA just wants a fair game board when a trial comes, with neither side having an advantage. I argued that he does not want the press affecting the jury in any way. I argued, but I don't think I did any convincing.

Because this afternoon, my other friend was convinced someone was trying to hide something, that it wasn't just about protecting someone's rights to a fair trial. I really don't know. I hope not, obviously.

I don't personally believe the DA is hiding anything. I really don't. But that's what happens when you ere on the side of secrecy.

Suspicion rushes in to fill the vacuum left by secrecy.

Right now we cannot know if anything is being hidden by anyone or not because of this gag order. Anyone who could answer questions cannot answer them so the rumors will mount and continue. In the absence of knowledge, people speculate and gossip.

If there are any things people want to keep from the light of day, my advice to them is to pull back the curtains. The truth is going to come out, and you want to be in control of the story when it does.

I'll give an example. Years ago, I was part of a team covering a story about a local government scandal. The government would never admit what that scandal was, so the story continued for years and resulted in dozens of embarrassing articles. If the government had admitted from the very start what had happened, it would have been at most a story or two. Instead, secrecy led to years of protracted battles and people having their names trampled over and over in the realm of public opinion.

Right now, if there are any secrets in this case, they likely cannot be told, but if there are secrets, get over the hopeless idea that the truth will never be known. Rip off the Band-aid and come forward with the truth at the first possible moment. Hell, ask Judge Cross for special permission to issue a press release.

Because if it's not me, then someone a lot like me is going to find the secret one day. Right now, whenever the story comes to light you have the gag order as a defense. "We wanted to tell you last month, but we couldn't say anything because of the gag order."

But if the gag order expires or is over-turned, and you sit on your secret for weeks or months, people will be far more outraged when they watch it on television, read it in their newspaper or hear it on a podcast.

I'm saying this as friendly advice to any of you with secrets about Tara's case out there. I mean, if there are any secrets at all.

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Ghost Hunt

Ghost Hunt

  12:52 AM    Unknown

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Photo: Pictured is a page from The Ocilla Star from 2001 that announces the Miss Tifton pageant and shows Tara Grinstead, who was Miss Tifton in 1999.

Ghost Hunt

Tara Grinstead was last seen on the night of October 22, 2005.

But for me, the story actually began in the 1800s.

You see, I spent the evening of October 22 in a facsimile of a 19th century village.

The Georgia Agrirama was established in 1976 in Tifton, Georgia as a living history museum to rural, agricultural life in the late 1800s. During the day, tourists and grade schoolers visited the place, now wordily renamed the Georgia Museum of Agriculture & Historic Village, to get a glimpse of South Georgia's past.

As to why I spent an October night in 2005 there, I will have to take you back a year earlier, to October 2004. That is when the paranormal "reality" television show Ghost Hunters premiered. The show featured a pair of plumbers who decided to battle ghosts. It was like some weird amalgamation of Pac-Man and Super Mario Brothers.

Anyway, this show started a minor ghost hunting craze throughout America, and although I had only seen the show as I flipped through the channels looking for Chappelle Show reruns, I somehow got swept up in the ghost hunting hysteria.

I shouldn't make it sound so mysterious. I know exactly how it happened. I worked with a lady named Holly Catanzarita, who was, and I think even she would admit this, a bit weird. I say this as someone who is also weird. Weird people are good people.

Holly wore many hats, and some of them were spooky. Although she worked in the circulation department of the daily newspaper in Tifton, The Tifton Gazette, she also published her own horror magazine, and I contributed some illustrations to it. She was also the author of a horror novel, "Dreamkeeper," and has since published another, "Deep Freeze." At night, leading up to Halloween in 2005, she gave guided ghost tours of the Agrirama.

On Friday, October 21, I attended one of the ghost tours to write a story about them and her team of paranormal investigators for The Gazette. On Saturday, October 22, I agreed to join Holly and her team on a ghost hunt.

Now, you may be thinking, how can you remember what you were doing on a specific night over a decade ago. I can remember, because the next week when Tara went missing, I mused that if anyone ever accused me of having something to do with it, I would have the world's weirdest alibi. Of course, I never thought anyone would actually consider me a suspect.

Unfortunately, I was wrong about that.

So, was the Agrirama haunted? If it was, it means that ghosts are tied to buildings and not locations, because all of the buildings at the Agrirama were moved there from other locales. I'm a skeptic, so I'm gonna say "No."

But I went into the ghost hunt at least a little open-minded. What happened on the hunt managed to close it shut.

I joined the extremely specifically named Southern Ghost Hunters Paranormal Investigations on their after-hours ghost hunt. I don't know what you would expect a group like that to look like, but I was a bit surprised. This wasn't a bunch of Dungeons & Dragons playing, four-eyed, mouth-breathing geeks, I mean, other than me.

Although none of these ghost hunters probably won homecoming king or queen, they were a diverse group of people of varying ages and expertise.

There was Holly, and her son, a likable guy who worked as a prison guard, and even a pair of police detectives from a nearby town. One member of the group was even an attractive lady college professor, but she might've been the daffiest of them all.

Don't get me wrong, most of the people out there were serious, intelligent folks. People of all faiths, backgrounds and degrees believe in ghosts, but some of the things some of the people took to be evidence left me dazzled.

The professor, who reminded me of a long-haired version of Scooby Doo's Velma in everything except deductive ability, told me how, on the last ghost hunt, they got some really compelling evidence using long exposure photography.

Jinkies!

The thing is, long exposure photography makes things look ghostly, and that's normal, not paranormal. When you take a long exposure photograph, the shutter stays open longer, allowing light to be recorded on the image for longer. Instead of taking a picture of an instant, you might take a photo of several seconds. The result is a smeared looking image in which any movement makes people appear as translucent phantoms.

I used that exact technique the night before to make a ghostly photograph to go along with my article about the ghost tours.

We stalked around the rickety old buildings in the Agrirama with sound amplifying devices that would have looked hi-tech if I didn't know they were kid's toys. They looked like a toy gun with a radar dish for a barrel and a pair of head phones connected to it. My parents bought me one when I was 12 to play spy.

We listened for fluctuations in the white noise, which otherwise might sound like static crackling. We used mini-cassette recorders to capture every sound, and then ignore all the sounds that happened when we rewound the tape to listen to them over again. And we waved our hands around to check for cold spots, and that was when I realized ghosts probably don't exist.

Now, I don't know why ghosts are supposed to be cold, as I would think that they would at least be room temperature, but we looked for cold spots. And I found one, and I announced it to everyone, and I was excited.

This was late in the night, and as perverse as it was, we were ghost hunting in what was once a slave house. But as everyone oohed and ahhed over the cold spot I found, the gray cells in my brain started to warm up.

This was a spot just a few inches from the floor. And it was late October and growing chilly deep into the night. And that building was about 150 years old, so I reached down and checked.

Yes. There was a hole in the floor and the cold air from outside was wafting in.

I informed the others that what we were feeling was just natural phenomena, but some still thought it was "evidence." I decided then and there that people would believe whatever they wanted, and that ghosts probably didn't exist.

But ghosts do exist, the kind that haunt people for years with unsettling thoughts, unanswered questions and ever-present heartache. These types of ghosts are not phantoms or poltergeists, but the memories of loved ones parted, and the terrors they cause leave one far colder than any spirit.

I learned about those types of ghosts in the years that came after that infamous Saturday night, because on Tuesday, October 25, 2005 someone called The Tifton Gazette to ask us to announce that a school teacher named Tara Grinstead was missing from the neighboring town of Ocilla.

And for more than 11 years after, law enforcement officers, friends and family, neighbors and co-workers, and even I did what I was doing the night Tara went missing.

We hunted a ghost.

Note: The link to The Tifton Gazette article about the private investigators gives a date of December 7 2005, but many Gazette articles give that specific date erroneously, so it must be a system glitch.

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