Trump's Tower

Trump's Tower

  6:10 PM    Unknown

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March 4, 2016.

I wish I was a stand-up comedian today.

I don't know if you heard, but last night, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump assured the crowd at a nationally televised debate that his "little fella" wasn't so little at all. That means the Donald Jr. was probably the fifth biggest dick on the stage last night.

Already twice this week, Trump has backtracked on things he's said. First, he had to announce that he doesn't support the Ku Klux Klan. Then, he changed his mind about torture and killing the families of terrorists. How long till he's saying his junk isn't as jumbo as he had us believe?

Obviously, this guy has some issues with the size of his manhood, which would explain why he wants to put his name on so many skyscrapers. Is this someone we really want in charge of nuclear missiles?

Imagine a general walking in and telling him, "Mr. President, Kim Jong Un said you have snubby fingers." "Oh yeah?" (*whistling sound and then a big explosion*)

I never thought the size of someone's manhood was a qualification for president, although that might explain some of America's voting record, and also why we elected folks named Johnson, Dick and Jimmy all in a row.

Seriously, by his reasoning, porn stars are more qualified than Trump to be president.

Then again, porn stars are more qualified than Trump to be president.

Now, if you found any of this vulgar, remember that last night the front-runner for president of the United States talked about these subjects in front of millions of people. I don't think I'm the one who crossed the line.

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Musings

Musings

  1:25 AM    Unknown

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These are some of the musings I've made in the past few years (actually mostly from the past year):

• "I've always believed in fighting for the rights of minorities, but I never knew that "sensible people" would be a minority whose rights I would need to fight for."


• In response to a blizzard hitting the east coast: "Most of the east coast looks like that scene from Star Wars Episode VIII where Finn slices open the tauntaun on the snow planet."


• "Those who need to learn the most are those who want to learn the least."


• "My life is like a word search puzzle where I look for Happiness and all I find is Pines."


• "If right now the world was as good as it possibly can get Facebook would still be full of complaints."


• In response to the 2015 refugee crisis and Georgia's initial reaction: "Our governor just announced that no one in the state will be allowed to own pets until we can prove that none of them are rabid. He also announced that only people who can prove they are responsible gun owners can own guns... wait, no he didn't."


• "Conservatives are traditionalists, so they tend to be drawn to the prevailing religion of their community and culture. In this country, there are conservatives who choose Christianity for this reason. I call them conservative first. Then there are those who are Christians who are attracted to conservative politics because conservative politicians tend to wrap themselves in the beliefs of the prevailing religion. Here, I call them Christian first. But there are times, many of them actually but rarely as obvious as now, when conservatism is at odds with the beliefs of the prevailing religion, and that is when you see whether someone is a Christian first or a conservative first. So here's the test: If you think that turning away desperate middle eastern people fleeing from horrible circumstances is the Christian thing to do, then congratulations, you are a conservative first."


• "When are people going to stop being offended by people being offended all the time?"


• "Now starting for the Atlanta Braves: No one you've ever heard of."


• "If you hear a politician say he isn't a politician then not only is he a politician but he is actively being a politician as he says it."


• "When someone defeats you, don't make them your enemy; make them your teacher."


• "I love conspiracy theories. They're very entertaining. Unfortunately, they're usually not true. For instance, if the government was as slick as conspiracy theorists seem to think, we would have found WMDs in Iraq."


• "My favorite character on the Walking Dead is the gritty survivor who doesn't talk much."


• "Be careful when you build a wall. The wall you build to keep others out may be the wall that keeps you imprisoned."


• "Sadness is coming home at 11 p.m. and realizing you never ate supper, you're out of food and all the stores are closed. Happiness is realizing, after an hour of hungering, that you have an unopened bag of chips and dip that you forgot about."


• In response to the Trump vs. Fox News war: "On the bright side, at least Trump is turning a lot of people against Fox News. There is hope for the future!"


• "For those of you who oppose political correctness, I'm wondering what it is you would like to say that you feel society is keeping you from saying."


• "Where do all these memes come from? I only see them on Facebook. Are there people who search sites all day for them? How are you ever going to have an original thought if you're treating wisdom as something you can print on a T-shirt?" (while I say things that are about as wise as most memes that could easily be printed on a T-shirt).


• "The term 'class warfare' gets thrown around a lot lately. When you hear it from someone telling you it is bad or speaking of it negatively, know that you are hearing propaganda. If you are telling people we need to avoid class warfare, know that you are spreading propaganda. We are already and always have been in the midst of class warfare. Here's the proof: In America, we aren't supposed to have any classes. But we do. We have aristocrats without titles and paupers who think they are kings. Until there are no classes in America, we are not only in the midst of class warfare, we're losing the battle."


• "Chance of shark attack in the ocean: 0.0000000001 percent. Chance of shark attack on land: 0 percent. It's settled. I'm staying on land."


• "Some people try to pour the ocean into a box. Others let the box float in the ocean."


• Early in the 2015-2016 American presidential race: "I would like to announce my candidacy for the Republican nomination for president of the United States. I figure why not. Everyone else is doing it."


• "I've been without the internet for two days, and it reminded me of when I quit smoking, but instead of the recurring urge to smoke, it was the recurring urge to look up useless trivia on Wikipedia."


• This is my favorite song lyric I've ever written, from the song "Genevieve": "This little pig wants to go home with you, but no, 'cause there won't be a we." (I also like "Umbrellas, this fella, have the shelter you can hold onto" from the same song).


• "This country has a black and white problem, and I'm not talking about skin color. I'm talking about the "you're either with us or against us" mentality. I'm talking about how we handle every issue like we're high schoolers on a debate team, taking a side and only presenting the facts which support our opinions while attacking the other side and ignoring the facts which support it. As an example, America is the country that saved Europe's butt during World War II and also the country that recently killed two innocent hostages in a drone strike. It's a great country in many ways, but it's not perfect. But instead of having rational discussions about how we can improve on our mistakes or even celebrate our victories, we have people waving flags and walking on them. I would love to vote for a candidate who speaks honestly about the benefits and drawbacks of all sides of an issue and then clearly explains why he chose his side. I would vote for him, or her, even if I disagreed. Even if I'm guilty of thinking in black and white too often myself."


• "I was playing an online video game once, and told someone "Your ears must have been burning." They didn't understand, so I said "It must be an American thing." She said "I'm American." I said, "It must be a Southern thing." She said "I'm from the south." I said, "What state?" She said "Texas." I said, "It must be a Georgia thing" because I didn't have the heart to tell her Texas isn't included in the area I consider to be the South."


• "Who else remembers going to presentations in school where they would warn us about Satanic cults and how the devil wanted to steal our souls through heavy metal music? I'm sure a lot of you. Remember when the folks who were in charge (aka parents, school administrators, the media and other adults) apologized to us for being hysterical morons and making us paranoid and terrified about something that was just a run-of-the-mill moral panic? Me neither."


• "Happy Name A Day After Some Obscure Subject Day!"


• In response to Rand Paul accusing a Today Show anchor of editorializing: "Journalists are supposed to ask tough questions. Don't let politicians trick you into being sympathetic toward them when they get questions they don't like."


• "These are the sorts of things I think about: There is an upper limit to how large creatures on Earth on land can be. At least I think I read that somewhere. For instance, a crab the size of the Georgia Dome might collapse under its own weight (but that's just a guess). So, I thought, what if our gravity was weaker than it is, would we have larger creatures. So, what if aliens on a planet with weak gravity visited and were just enormous. Then, I thought about the opposite. What if we were visited by aliens from a planet with very strong gravity and they were all the size of squirrels. They would be small, but proportionally they would probably be much stronger and more hardy than we are. To them, they would be able to leap like we can on the moon. Imagine... hobbits with most of the powers of Spider-Man. We wouldn't stand a chance."


• "The next time you hear someone complaining about President Obama being an America-hating socialist (which he's probably not), tell them this interesting fact: The Pledge of Allegiance was written by a socialist. Seriously. Who could make this up?"


• "You know what's worse than accidentally sending an e-mail to yourself? Replying to it."


• "Those who choose to do nothing, still choose."


• "If someone walks a mile in someone else's shoes, they should avoid the cliffs."


• "You can't accuse someone of being pretentious without being pretentious yourself."


• "Paranoia is the dark side of imagination."


• "I must want to be a teacher of things no one wants to learn."

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The Contents of Facebook

The Contents of Facebook

  12:17 AM    Unknown

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To save what sanity I have left and stop being angry so often, I stopped following those people who are always complaining about people with different skin colors than theirs, those who splatter Facebook with nonsensical political memes and those who think animals have psychic powers... and now my Facebook feed is as boring as watching paint dry.
So here are the things I see people sharing on Facebook:
They share good news, their good news,  which, if they said it out loud would be called bragging. Send that stuff to the newspaper. We'll do the bragging for you.
Then there are people who ask for prayers on Facebook so they can get attention without earning it, and then there's the people who say "Prayers please, God knows the need" which really means "Send me a private message so I can share the gossip." But that's all OK. What's really bad is those who ask for prayers, then go ahead and tell everyone the gossip, when the gossip is actually about someone else who would have asked for prayers themself but they didn't want everyone in their business.
Some people post funny videos and memes, but they only make me laugh if they feature funny-faced cats or dogs. Then there are fail videos, which are collections of people failing at attempting to do things spectularly, from cliff diving to riding down hills in shopping carts. Those are funny, too, and often painful looking, but no one ever offers prayers for them.
There are constantly happy birthday wishes but that's because Facebook constantly nags us to remember so that the owners of Facebook can pretend that Facebook has any positive effect on society.
Mothers post photos of their kids, and these get an inordinate amount of likes, mostly by mothers who want other mothers to like photos of their kids. Mothers post photos of their kids doing anything, which they sometimes accurately think are cute. Fathers usually only post photos of their kids doing sports or shooting things.
Then there are the ultra-political people who post political memes or make political statements which incite arguments with other ultra-political people which causes everyone to get angry and accomplishes nothing while the non-political people they hope to convince ignore them and ask for prayers for themselves or post photos of their kids when they should be asking for prayers for all the angry political folks or making fail videos of the political folks failing at convincing others to believe what they believe.
All of these posts, especially the gossipy ones, generate dozens or hundreds of likes, by the way.
And then there are my music videos which I invested time, emotion and a great deal of thought into creating, and they get no likes at all.

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What's in a unique name?

What's in a unique name?

  8:19 AM    Unknown

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Originally published in The Ocilla Star on June 9, 2010
In today's day and age, the social aspect of the internet increases the importance of having a unique name. Whether it's social networking on Facebook or Twitter or doing a search for someone on Google, folks who have a unique, rare name will have an advantage.
Search John Smith or Anne Williams and you're likely to get millions of hits. Search through about a thousand of them and you'll finally find one you think is the right one, but you'll probably be wrong.
And it's not just personal names. Business names have the same problem.
I was trying to look up a couple of businesses that were doing business with the local county commission and got dozens of hits for dozens of businesses with similar names.
Because the internet is so keyed to keywords, being able to find the right person or business on a word search is significantly valuable. Also, a unique name can avoid confusion.
Who wants to be named Michael Jackson or Jesse James these days? And you never know which celebrity is going to get in trouble and ruin your good name in the future.
At least no one's likely to be confused with Tiger Woods on the internet. Why? Because he has a unique name.
A unique name should leave you safe of potential mistaken identity and misplaced embarrassment. If you're a prospective parent, one day your kids will thank you for not naming them Michael or Elizabeth, even though those are fine names from a purely pleasing-to-the-ear point of view.
If you have a rare family name like me, it's relatively easy. Apparently, "Vassey" was a misspelling of "Vassar" when my ancestors arrived on our personal Mayflower, so there aren't a whole lot of us. I may be the only "Dusty Vassey" in the world.
With that in mind, you can get away with an uncommon first name if your last name is rare. Names like Abraham, Esther, Millhouse, Annabelle, Clinton, etc.... they're all acceptable if your last name is Kipling or Kissinger.
But if you're a Smith, a Williams, a Jones, or, especially around here, a Tucker, a Harper or a Paulk, you've got to get really creative to avoid being misidentified on the net.
Maybe you can follow Tiger's parents' lead and use an animal name -- Aardvark Smith, Bumblebee Williams, Vixen Jones, Koala Tucker, Sidewinder Harper or Panda Paulk. Maybe you could use an adjective -- Incognito Smith, Overzealous Williams, Jampacked Jones, Totemic Tucker, Halfbaked Harper or Penultimate Paulk. Or perhaps you prefer an underused noun -- Calisthenics Smith, Appropriations Williams, Journey Jones, Tremble Tucker, Hovercraft Harper or Piledriver Paulk.
All good names certainly, with little chance of being confused with anyone on the web.
But here's the real problem...
If you Google our state's name, you're likely to come up with a whole bunch of references to a former Soviet republic that has about as much to do with our Georgia as cornbread has to do with vodka. This is horrible!
So I suggest we change our state's name to "American Georgia."
Gone would be the confusion when hearing about "war-torn Georgia," and as an added bonus, our state would be the only one with "America" in the name. As patriotic as most of our state-mates are, I can't imagine that the new name wouldn't be extremely popular.
I can see the slogan: "American Georgia -- We're American; it's right there in the name, y'all."
Also, our abbreviation in postal codes would change from GA to AG, which would be very appropriate given the importance of agriculture to our state.
Then again, maybe we should just become the 51st state and have a new state line drawn about 10 miles north of Macon and let South Georgia be American Georgia. I mean, most South Georgians have about as much to do with those folks around Atlanta as cornbread has to do with bottle water.
Regardless, with or without our northerly cousins, we should be "American Georgia." Let those folks in Atlanta pick their own name.
Dusty Vassey is a staff writer for The Ocilla Star. If he ever has a child, he will name it Pepper Nonchalant Vassey, regardless of the child's gender.

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